As you know, this blog has been an essential part of my healing process. I will not publish anything that is related to any of the masks I used to dawn for 40 years. It is a place that I choose to be authentic. To be the me that I was as a young child. Free from shame and free to live out my true gifting, my purpose.

Some of the posts may leave you uncomfortable and I am truly sorry for this. I never want anyone to feel uncomfortable, but we must live in the uncomfortable, the unimaginable, to receive God’s love, His miracles for you.

I suffer from “complex post traumatic stress disorder” {PTSD} due to multiple childhood trauma and the two best ways to heal is to tell my story and to do my work. That is what this blog is about. Writing, by sharing my story, and doing my work. It has gotten me out of the fog and brought me into healing my PTSD.

So, the question is, how did I come to a place of knowing I had PTSD?

When I was able to get away from the abuse, I began to have clarity. I was in college and was surrounded by some key friendships that showed me unconditional love. I was a nut of a friend. Fickle is the word. I would be “all in” and then suddenly run away from them like they were out to get me. I confused the heck out of them with my hot and cold relationship. But they stood strong and loved me. I am grateful and tears run down my cheeks as I write this blog. So humbled.

I started to have an identity crisis in college. I felt lost and disconnected from who I was. I had a distorted view of myself. I could not see myself outside of my trauma. I didn’t want to define myself as an abused person. I did not know what to do. I did not know who I was. And I did not know how to figure it out.

I also had addictions that manifested into coping. I kept doing things bad for me. I knew I was hurting myself, but I couldn’t stop it because I fed off of it to a certain extent. The irony is it was to make myself feel safe in the comfort of abuse.  I would enter relationships where I was not valued or even wanted. I put myself in unsafe environments and even somehow fostered more abuse so I could “know where I was” and “know who I was”- a victim.

I decided to put myself into therapy in college and I remember her saying something about PTSD, but I was not ready to face the diagnosis. After graduating college, finishing my masters, a recovery program, and three therapists later {and at the end of my rope} I began to explore how the role of PTSD played in my life. I was ready to explore why I still felt stuck, unable to move forward in my career, and why I was still angry and anxious.

Besides a trained therapist discussing PTSD with me, there has been a lifetime of my body telling me something was wrong. I physically shook and still shake. I shake when I am triggered. Triggered by memories, experiences, certain people, and environments.

In addition to the shaking, there are other signs that pointed in the direction that I was experiencing PTSD.

*Re-experiencing: intrusive thoughts, dreams or feeling like the event is happening in real time. {I had/have dreams of people chasing me. Tornados around me. Ready to get me. As well as un-voluntarily replaying actual events of my abuse.}

*Arousal: exaggerated startle response, nightmares, insomnia, feeling that every moment I was in danger, hyper vigilant. {I always feel so unsafe, especially when by myself.}

*Avoidance: Avoiding the topic, the memories, the place, anything that reminds me of the traumatic event or anyone who tried to make me talk about it. {I have moved away from the place I experienced my trauma, but my disclaimer to this one is that I talk about it. I always seek a place to discuss my trauma with professionals in order to heal, I just can’t bare to be in the same town as my abusers right now. My body shakes. I feel very unsafe.}

*above information from healmyptsd.com

I am not on the other side of PTSD. Yet.

I am on the journey to healing.

I am holding on to my writing about my experiences and healing and continue to do my work. I am partnering with a therapist that emphasizes in trauma therapy.

I’m a VICTOR, not a victim.

I am STRONG, not powerless.

I am COURAGEOUS, not scared.

I am LOVED, not rejected.

All in the name of Jesus.

If you can relate in any way, might I suggest to start by visiting www.healmyptsd.com and find your way out. Meanwhile, reach out to me or a friend. Telling your story is one of the healthiest ways to begin your healing process.

If you know of anyone who may be experiencing PTSD, you may want to visit here to help understand this treatable condition and share this article with them. http://healmyptsd.com/education/ptsd-caregivers-support/10-tips

Last, always pray and call on our Healer.

Blogging is essential for my healing. There are no masks here. I am free. This is the first place I have been able to be me. Thank you for taking this journey of healing from PTSD with me.