I sit here at my make shift desk in the middle of my house that is going under a 100% renovation. I am tired. Tired of moving boxes to get to my socks and moving boxes to make dinner and moving boxes to breathe. I’m tired. The kids are over it. So am I. Shad is the only one that charges ahead. He amazes me. His perseverance that keeps the renovations moving forward astounds me. I, on the other hand, stand in the middle, frozen.

He is our change maker right now. He is changing the way we approach life, the way we live, and I mean L.I.V.E.

God has us going through this “extra rinse” cycle of life for a reason. During this cycle, this season, I have little that I can do to help this move along a little faster. This leaves me helpless. I must stand still. Not move forward to keep us moving forward.

At this time planning anything is futile until the house is done. It takes up every spare minute of our time. Although we brought this on ourselves, it’s our reality.

At the IF:Gathering in February, I left with the words “get your house in order” pressed into my soul like it was something that was so urgent that my life depended on it.  I knew I did not hear “get your house renovation done” it was more directed at me and my soul.  I also felt deep down that this was going to be no quick process, either.

It was a hard message to receive if you are a busy bee like me. Always moving forward quickly, making things happen, looking to the future, never in the present, always planning, always building. The message of getting my house in order seemed weird to me and I could not make sense of what He actually meant and what I could “do” about it. I looked it up scripturally {2 Kings 20} and wondered if God was planning on taking my life shortly. I laughed, with a little fear laced in, and could only hope that was not the plan.

Well, it was. He has taken the life I knew, I created, I planned, and turned it on its head. I’ve been told to stand still. Stand still? How? How does a bee stand still?

I stand in the middle of life wringing my hands with angst and unspent energy, wishing to be done, there, arrived, accomplished, yet still. What I have found in my stillness, just three months from the conference, has been so overwhelming at times, yet all of it is setting me in a freer place with every minute I don’t move.

I have discovered that I’m in the wait. Waiting for the house to finish. Waiting for emotional and spiritual healing to come in areas of my life. Waiting for my body to finally bend the way I want it to in yoga. All in all, I am waiting to reach that moment of sthira-sukham asanam.

Sthira-sukham asanam is a sutra in yoga that means a place that you find within your body bigger than what on the outside. A place of strength, vigor, and vibrancy, yet supported with elegance, ease and poise. A place that has been there all the while, but you finally find it and can stay there in that posture and breathe there forever. It’s your spacious place.

Instead of looking to others’ energy and to the future to keep me going, I look inside. I look at the spirit in me, my Holy Spirit, that has been there all the while. Just like Hezekiah, my life has been extended. Saved from me.

I breathe.

I give gratitude to Him for this “now”ness.

The past three years I have fallen apart. I fell into pieces and, my friends, those pieces are burning.

Lord, I’ll never get over what you have done to me. How you have led me to waters that are so still and quiet in the midst of my chaotic wait of a life. Thank you. Thank you for loving me so big and with so much grace.

Are you in the wait? Is it hard to stand still and wait and see what He is going to do in this most difficult time? Friends, He is up to something. Let’s hold to that spacious place within that He resides. He’s good company. 

*Pictures are from a small piece of our glorious 10 months in California. Big Sur.